Q: One of my siblings has announced she is transgender and wants to go by “she” and “her” pronouns. I really want to respect her wishes, but I’m afraid of saying the wrong pronoun. How do I get this right?
A: The first thing to do is to convey to your sibling that using the pronoun that is affirming to her is important to you. Tell her you are deliberately working on this. She may or may not be aware that it can take 2 to 8 months to shift pronouns — even when you are motivated and well-intentioned.
While changing pronouns is relatively straightforward, keep in mind that you have been using the original pronoun for many years. It’s an established habit. Research suggests that with deliberate goal setting and practice, habits can take anywhere from 18 days to approximately eight months to break, with most individuals breaking habits by the two-month mark, approximately.
Meanwhile, having a proactive plan will help you build and reinforce the changes you want to make. For example, you might journal and write about your sibling using her pronouns. You could also speak to trusted friends about what you’re working on, and when you discuss your sibling, attempt to use the pronouns that are affirming to your sibling.
While it’s important to make a real effort to use an individual’s pronouns, if you slip up — and you likely will — simply apologize, correct yourself and continue with the conversation. Apologizing profusely is often uncomfortable for the person you misgendered. Remember, the best apology comes in subsequent behavior change.
If after significant deliberate practice, you still find it difficult to use your sibling’s pronouns, you may want to consider reaching out to a support group for families of transgender individuals, or a professional. These spaces provide a place to openly discuss hesitations and to learn from others. For example, sometimes there is grief associated with the changes of a family member; at other times, it might be more about fear of how others might respond to your sibling’s gender.
Finally, keep in mind the “why” of using your sibling’s pronouns — both for your sibling and for you. A person with supportive family is likely to be a happier person who can achieve goals and dreams of her own making. By supporting your sibling, you are proving that you are committed to a relationship with her that is based on respect and acceptance. In using pronouns that are affirming, you’re promoting a genuine relationship with your sibling. Remember, sibling relationships are the longest lasting relationships in most people’s lives. Research in family psychology demonstrates that positive sibling relationships can be a protective factor against loneliness later in life.
For additional resources, try looking up the Center of Excellence for Transgender Health, the National Center for Transgender Equality, the Family Acceptance Project or the Human Rights Campaign websites. Attending a local PFLAG (formerly known as Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) chapter may be a good source of support and education.
To learn more: What is transgender?